the_tom_cat's Blog - page 6

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.



Her mother reassured her;



'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.



Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'



So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'



'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'



So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'



'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'



So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'



Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

GrandPa's Letter




I Guess you heard that 68% of the youth vote went to Obama.
My granddaughter called this morning to tell me she was one of them.
I replied with this e-mail:
Dear Susan,
The election of Obama comes down to this. Your grandmother and I, your
mother, and other productive, wage-earning tax payers will have their
taxes increased and that means less income left over. Less income
means we will have to cut back on basic purchases, gifts and handouts.

That includes firing the Hispanic lady who cleans our house twice
a month. She just lost her
ob. We can't afford her anymore.
What is the economic effect of Obama's election on you personally?
Over the years, your grandmother and I have given you thousands of dollars
in food, housing, cash, clothing, gifts, etc. By your vote, you have
chosen another family over ours for help. So in the future, if you
need assistance with your rent, money for gas, tires for your car,
someone to bring you lunch, etc. ... call 1-800-white house. That's the
telephone number for the Office of the President of the United States.
I'm sure Mr. Obama will be happy to send a check from his personal or
business accounts, as we have, or leave cash in an envelope taped to
his front door for you, as we have.

It's like this. Those who vote for the President of the United States
should consider what the impact of an election will be on the nation as
a whole and not just be concerned with what they can get for
themselves (welfare, stimulus checks, etc.).
What Obama voters don't seem to realize is that the government's
money comes from taxes collected from tax paying families. Raising taxes on
productive people means they will have less money to spend on their
families.
Congratulations on your
choice.
For future reference, you might attempt to add up all you've received
from us, your mom, Mike's parents and others and compare it to what you
expect to get over the next four years from Mr. Obama.
To congratulate Mr. Obama and to make sure you're on the list for
handouts, write to:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

NW
Washington, DC 20500

Love you Susan, but call the number listed above when you need help.
GrandPa
Remember: The government cannot give to anyone anything that it does
not first take from someone else.

A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says,

"Hey kid, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" said the little girl and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, I will give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back of my bike for a ride."
At this point the little girl turns to him and screams angrily,
"Look Dad, YOU bought a Honda instead of a Harley so YOU ride it!"

As some of you know, but do not understand, is that I run a commerical website where people pay me for lotto numbers...

Right now I am taking a customers account with a promise that I put $150.00 into the casino and when she has a balance of $1,000 in winnings, and $1,000 in plays for the next 3-10 days I move to the next customer...



Took me a week or so...



Because of what just fell in the Michigan Lottery... 015



Here is what I told my customers 2 days ago....



Some people freak out when I tell them that people pay me for lotto numbers...

How can someone get paid for giving out lotto numbers?

Here is what I told my customers 2 days ago...

-----------------------------------------------------
PostForum: Real Lotto Data

Posted: 02 Feb 2009 06:25 pm

Subject: Right side page 2....


If I ever put the newsletter online you are going to see that 015 has made its way to prominence...

It is 2x on the right side now....

--------------------------------------------------

015 just hit straight in the Michigan Lotto. Thus my customers all over the world are doing a Happy Happy dance because they played with me and won lots of money...





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



If you play the lotto and you would rather play at home and in your pj's without leaving your house.. come check us out at WINTHELOTTO.NET....



You can play the Michigan Lottery from anywhere in the world and win with me...

Quote of the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.


So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Time to get in shape for 2009!




I tried it, I liked it, you will too!

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to

maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.



If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as

you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.



Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



SCROLL DOWN..............

























































NOW SCROLL UP…



That's enough for the first day. Great job .



Now,have a glass of wine/beer & relax.

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs d her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -and, when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigators.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. 'The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, 'but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,'

Detectives told reporters. 'Both men are still in pretty bad shape,

'but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.'

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter

Debbie was carjacked and d in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, 'I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself ''cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker.. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either - because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. 'And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.'

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated s entering their flophouse hotel.

'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway

'and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them,' the oldster recalled..


'So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, 'and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

'Then I went in and shot the other one 'as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. ¡Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.'

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. 'What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison,' Police said, 'especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.'

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA - WE NEED HER!