north and south's Blog

After the announcement,
I am sorry but this Christmas there is no way that I am not seeing family and friends.
You can do what you like,
but I will be seeing them.
So,
on Christmas Day,
the following family will be at the table......
Auntie Stella & Uncle Jameson,
with cousin Bailey,
Malibu & Smirnoff,
& the twins Gin & Tonic,
Scottish cousins Johnny Walker and Glen Moray,
& from across the pond, bringing some old fashioned southern comfort with them my old cousins,
Jack Daniels and Jim Beam,
My French mate Remy Martin & his friend Pernod,
my Spanish mate Jose Cuevro & his cousin Martini,
& Bianco, & her daughter tequila,
my Greek friends Ouzo & Sambuca,
My friends Brandy,
Fosters,
Snowball & mickey slim,
My Neighbours Captain Morgan & the Grants,
the Bells, & the Cointreau's,
& the Henneseys,
Uncle Charlie cant make an appearance though....
.not good around the kids...
although Auntie Stella is on a warning!!
Merry Christmas ,
one and all . xx

Once again this year,
I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.
Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!)
1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1...bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl,
check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor,
wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers,
just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.
Check the Vodka.
Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the Vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.

Not being nasty,
but if you're looking for a handy man don't use Phil McTavish.
We hired him and left him a list of 8 jobs that needed doing.
He only did 1, 3, 5 and 7.
When we kicked off about it,
he said he only does odd jobs!

A woman went to the emergency room,
where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room,
the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story,
he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What wrong with you?" he demanded.
This woman is 63 years old,
she has two grown children and several grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

VERY INTERESTING FACTS !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

ATTENTION HEAD TEACHERS!
NEW GOVERNMENT GUIDELINES HAVE BEEN ISSUED FOR SCHOOL NATIVITY PLAYS

1. The Holy Family's journey to Bethlehem will NOT be mentioned, and neither will snide remarks be made about Dominic Cummings, eye tests or Barnard Castle.
2. 'No room at the inn' will be replaced with 'accommodation was limited because of strict adherence to social distancing regulations.'
3. A maximum of THREE shepherds will be abiding in the fields keeping watch over their flocks by night.
4. Whilst 'a multitude of the heavenly host' may be permitted in heaven, it would be advisable to state that only 'a quintet of the heavenly host' are permitted in the vicinity of Bethlehem.
5. The shepherds visiting the stable must wear masks, use hand sanitising gel on arrival, and must depart before the wise men appear.
6. In respect of the wise men, references to 'the East' are wholly unacceptable, as are allusions to camels.
7. It must be clearly stated that the wise men have observed a period of quarantine before visiting the infant Jesus.
8. The wise men should therefore arrive in a traditional manner, but strictly one at a time: specifically (i) one in a taxi (ii) one in a car (iii) one on a scooter, blowing his hooter.
9. They should also wear masks, and practice hand hygiene on arrival.
10. Gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh may NOT be brought into the stable. Instead it should be plainly said that the wise men will email a QR code to Joseph, so that their gifts can be collected from the nearest Amazon locker.

The electric fence and the lawnmower..
We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard,
and last Saturday, when I heard some thieving Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country,
I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm,
so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod, and sunk the ground rod 7.5 feet into the limestone..
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June,
so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story,
and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard.
So yesterday I'm mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”...
.How very thoughtful of her.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time.......stood........still..........

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.
Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over,
I could feel the spark in my head.
I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences ...
but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.
It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard ,
begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?).

Yesterday changed my life.
I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,
which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man,
'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape,
size,
color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army,
Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple.'
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

Oh and
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

*****BREAKING NEWS! *****

Sadly news has just reached us saying that the first member of this group has sadly died because of the Coronavirus.
In his house they found 500 cans of assorted food,
100kg of pasta,
75kg of rice,
200 toilet rolls
and 30L of hand sanitiser which he had panic bought from ASDA "
just in case ! "

The whole lot collapsed and buried the daft bastard!

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas,
but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
It never smells and it’s always silent.
As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.
You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent.
The doctor says
"I see.
Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back.
"Doctor," she says,
"I don’t know what you gave me,
but now my passing gas…
although still silent,
it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said,
"now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses,
we’ll start to work on your hearing."