north and south's Blog - page 6

The Veterinarian
One Sunday,
in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday,
he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor,
overcome by curiosity,
approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied,
"every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied,
"That's wonderful.
But $1000 is a lot,
are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered,
"$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful;
what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession,
but I had no idea they made that much money,"
the pastor said.
"Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly,
"In Nevada ..
He has two cat houses,
one in Las Vegas ,
and one in Reno '

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi through a notorious red light area of New York.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom " said the boy,
"what are all these women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.
The taxi driver turns around and says
"Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, kid!
They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says,
"Is that true, mom?"
His furious mother,
glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks,
"Mom, what happens if they have babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers!" she said.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home,
the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights,
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts,
'Don't do it!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Dallas Cowboys tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side,
the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?'
The cabby replies,
'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

MEN!!!!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
A couple are lying
in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world....'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.......
------------ --------- -------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Scott says as he stepped out of the shower..
'Honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What do you call
an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be
men.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy. ..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
Q: What does it
mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Q: Why do men whistle when they
are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary raised her hand.
"Yes, Mary?"
"The family visited my Uncle's farm it was fascinating."
"That was good but I'm looking for fascinate."
Little Katy waited hand waving.
"Yes Katy?"
"Teacher we went to the aquarium in the city.
My whole family was fascinated."
"Another good one class but I'm looking for the word 'fascinate'."
Looking around the room there was but one hand up that of Little Johnny's.
Not wanting to get burnt as she had in the past she pondered seeing no way to end badly, she called on him.
"Go on Johnny."
"My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons ,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8."
The teacher was last seen crying at her desk.

Well was going to do some outdoor Easter shots today,
but we had to cancel that as youngest grandkid came over to stop the night.
Just how much can a 3 year old eat?

An old millionaire married an eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content,
but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon.
He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa.
"Now look," the doctor said,
"the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."
"How marvellous," the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said,
" it's only going to work three times before you die."
On his way home,
the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway,
so he decided to waste one trying it out.
"Beep!" he said.
Immediately he was UP.
Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep,"
and he was down again.
He chuckled with delight and anticipation.
At that moment,
a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep,"
and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."
Alert to his jeopardy,
the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up."
He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay.
"Honey," he shouted at her,
"don't ask questions.
Just drop your clothes and hope into bed."
Caught up in his excitement, she did.
He undressed nervously and hurried in after her.
Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.
He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, "What's all this "beep beep" crap?"

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a red “H” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,
even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest.
“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin.
Why do you ask?”

At a wedding ceremony,
the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk,
or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child.
She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
The woman replied,
"We can't hear in the back."

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm,
his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off,
so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says,
"I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig,
so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow,
so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then,
his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"