dziga's Blog - page 1

Favorite smell: Toasting "Indian" spices (cumin, coriander, mustard, cinnamon, clove, cardamom)
First Job: Working at a farm
Dream Job: Documentary film maker
Favorite dog breed: Cocker Spaniel
Favorite foot attire: socks
Favorite candy bar: Almond Joy
Favorite ice cream: Cherry Garcia
Favorite cake: German Chocolate
Favorite food: Moussaka
Favorite thing to hear: Waterfall
Favorite tv show: South Park
Favorite holiday: Halloween
Night or Day person: Day
Favorite day of the week: Saturday
Tattoos: 0
Like to cook: Yes
Beer or wine? Don't drink anymore, but I preferred beer
Can you drive a standard? Yes
Skate backwards: Yes
Favorite vegetable: Asparagus
Glasses or contacts: Contacts
Favorite season: Spring

Play along too...copy & paste and change your answer!

CAN YOU FILL THIS OUT WITHOUT LYING? - Let's See!

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?

Ice cream.

2. Where was your profile pic taken?

Home.

3. Worst pain you've experienced?

Tip of finger cut...more like smashed off actually...in a door.

4. Favorite place you've traveled?

Amsterdam, specifically Van Gogh museum.

5. How late did you stay up last night?

9:30 PM, but didn't sleep worth crap, at least up till 11:30

6. If you could move somewhere else where would it be?

Netherlands.

7. How do you feel about a turkey burger?

A good one is a good one, a bad one is a bad one. Cranberry mustard a must.

8. Which of your NN friends live closest to you?

No clue.

9. Amusement park or concert?

Concert.

10. When was the last time you cried?

Quite a while ago, when my first AA sponsor died.

11. Who took your profile pic?

Me.

12. Who was the last person you took a picture with?

My partner.

13. What's your favorite season?

Spring. It's all starting to grow again1

14. If you could have any career, what would it be?

I love being a chef, would rather work at a place with higher aspirations though. Writing about politics and such would be the ideal though.

15. Do you think relationships are ever worth it?

Without a doubt.

16. If you could talk to ANYONE right now who would it be?

If I can compel what they know out of them, Robert Mueller. Otherwise Bruce Cockburn.

17. Are you a good influence?

Aiming to be a good person? Yes. Aiming to be a success by materialistic terms? Hell no.

18. Does pineapple belong on pizza?

Yes.

19. You have the remote, what are you watching?

Smart documentaries that examine the extremes of human behavior.

20. Who do you think will play along?

People who probably should be doing something more productive.

C'mon, copy & paste to your blog and change the answers. It's fun to learn about each other!

There are some people who are on NN who not only help satisfy one's naked woman fetish, but enrich one's life just for tangentially knowing them through their expression of self via NN. Clearly Roxanne is among those. May happiness follow her wherever she goes.

First of all, since I have seen so many guys compare their members to different kinds of cans...I realized that a can must make the ideal penis. Surgical enhancement:

[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/IMG_1053_zps0a0cc5d2.jpg[/IMG]

Holy Moley...someone made a statue of me:

[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/nude-men-leopold-museum-3_zps98d46545.jpg[/IMG]

And then one more surgical alteration. Every woman loves their rabbits, right?

[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/598388510_zpseff8c562.jpg[/IMG]

guitartxn, Jersey_Girl, dziga, ThicknHard1forU, d_licious_d,d_licious_ds_guy, woderwick, WendySylvia, sexyeyesblondie1, Jagged_Edges and the very real and very sexy tight_wet_lips

usually do. It was eight years without a single drink or drug. I'm more impressed than you are. Much more impressed.

Truth be told, it has not been the easiest of those eight years by any stretch of the imagination. Staying sober with someone who is not staying sober...it doesn't make me want to use anything, but it certainly adds a lot of tension to life. The problem does become the pink elephant in the living room. Perhaps the hardest part is not being able to deal with it honestly and rationally. When one is in the grips of this stuff, logic, truthfulness and perspective all go right out the window. It is not something that reasonable conversations can be had about until one is completely resolute regarding the notion that they are ready to be done for good and all. Despite all my experience with recovery, there is not much I can do but try my best not to obsess on things I can't really do anything "satisfactory" about.

And I get it fully. A little over eight years ago, there was seriously a big debate going on in my head as to which was preferable: suicide or life without drugs and alcohol. Yes, I wanted a life without drugs or alcohol...but life was exceedingly painful emotionally and mentally to me at that point. If you've ever seen The Days of Wine and Roses there is a moment where the guy is trying one last time to get his girl to quit. She's standing in front of the window and talks about how dirty and ugly the world is without booze. So she needs to drink in order to be able to stand the world. And that leaves out the fear that usually grips an alcoholic/addict. Vague, omnipresent fear. One can't imagine life with or without booze/drugs.

I get it. Unless one changes sufficiently on the inside, all that stuff returns after a while and a relapse becomes just the next thing...not really a choice, just the next thing. I don't believe for a second that the majority who return to it sit there one day thinking, "Well, my life would be more fun if I started using again." They just reach a point where it becomes just the next thing, the familiar tool to deal with a life that they are losing their ability to deal with.

Something a speaker said that made a lot of sense to me: People headed for a psychotic break and alcoholics share a lot of symptoms in common. Psychosis is simply the minds way of coping with a reality that they are no longer able to cope with. Alcoholics almost never truly suffer psychotic breaks. Why? Because when they reach the point where reality is becoming so hard for them to cope with, they take a drink and that alters their perception of reality enough for their minds to "reset" a bit...staving off psychosis. Taking a drink/drug to preserve their sanity even though taking a drink or a drug is an insane thing for them to do. Scylla and Charybdis. Don't know how this line of thought holds up in modern psychiatry, but it makes a lot of guttural sense to me; it rings true according to my experience.

Anywho...eight years and counting. Screw the people who say that recovery can't happen quickly. Within a month and a half of my last bottom, my internal world had completely changed. Within three months I was helping other people change their internal worlds. And apparently it has all been solid because I have dealt with some of the things that the "professionals" say one is in trouble with if they are around it. Keep your own house in order and good things will happen.

I'm reading this book about the history of Himalayan mountain climbing.

Just got to a passage talking about Nanda Devi; "the queen of the Garwal Himalaya...and without question the loveliest."

"[Partly due to] the unique features of her topography, no mountian is quite so alluring as Nanda Devi. She is the supreme temptress who, as Hugh Ruttledge put it, imposes on her votaries a formidable admissions test, the Rishi Gorge..."

So...I have to deal with the gorge before I get to play on the mountains? That's really supposed to be a problem? Sure, I usually end up playing on the mountains a little first, but that's due to tradition. I have no problem going the other way.

Don't believe me? Then just present me with an admissions test...

Here is Nanda Devi:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

"A fundamental concern for others in our individual and community lives would go a long way in making the world the better place we so passionately dreamt of."

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

“I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying.”

"Difficulties break some men but make others. No axe is sharp enough to cut the soul of a sinner who keeps on trying, one armed with the hope that he will rise even in the end."

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

“As I have said, the first thing is to be honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not changed yourself... Great peacemakers are all people of integrity, of honesty, but humility.”

“ As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

“It is said that no one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails. A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but its lowest ones.”

“You will achieve more in this world through acts of mercy than you will through acts of retribution.”

“We must use time creatively, and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.”

Thanks to TWL!!! What a wonderful woman!

Socks...the best friend to a boy hitting puberty! If only grandma's knew what they were encouraging when they gave socks for Christmas...

Yes, my favorite socks are tie-dye socks. Hippie from my head down to my toes!
[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/Socks2_zps11f1a6f7.jpg[/IMG]

Warning: If you swallow, I can not guarantee that you will not have flashbacks...
[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/socks3_zps1ffb2b6c.jpg[/IMG]

And how guys can look bigger...so long as pants are kept on. (Yes, I do have too much dignity to actually ever do this besides for this pic. Wouldn't do any good anyways. You get some attention, pants come off and the entertaining scene begins.)

[IMG]http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/gg194/dzigad/NN/socks1_zpsd2798b8d.jpg[/IMG]

Here is the list of challenge players:
tight_wet_lips, bighoss2, amancalledpony, guitartxn, Uschi7337, Whispermyname, Showy_Showy, ali_dee, Viszla1, luvthelabia, dziga, masterstoy91, KaioticEvil, hornyman1155, stretch, Tardis, safire13,lennyknatural, Jersey_Girl, nickey69, elle40, MrMrsFX, arabella_topaz, hornyman1155, northern_star.

settling in for the long season.

Ah well. Someone at work has gotten me infused a bit with the idea of cross country skiing again. The beauty and quiet of a forest in the winter almost makes the cold worth it...and the activity reduces the cold. Maybe...

My sobriety has been solid for years. While I certainly won't claim that I've always been happy to not have any chemical release/relief, I've never been close to yielding.

Not the case with most around me. The chaos and outright hostility that can be caused by the most wonderful people when sober following a relapse...unbelievable.

A clear warning sign when one is having serious problems...a complete change in attitude toward one resembling themselves very little once they start to partake. Being in the grips of alcoholism/addiction is no party. You know you are trapped even if you can't get a good glimpse at what you are trapped by. Loneliness, frustration, despair, terror...those things become daily if not constant companions.

At the end of my time drinking, I was truly undergoing that stuff. I really remember just getting struck with such violent notions and outbursts which are sooooo unlike me. I've never been in a real fight in my life but I was not only starting to try to pick fights somewhat randomly, but playing out terribly violent fantasies about how they would end. When one starts to feel that they are completely losing themselves, losing who they are...it is terrifying.

And experiencing others go through it. There is no way to talk someone out of it, no way to dispel their loneliness, bewilderment, frustration and despair regardless of how reality based it is or not. One of the biggest misunderstandings about alcoholism and addiction that I find is people thinking that there must be something logical about it; some kind of frivolous but valid reason why someone went out and did it again. There is usually not.

Anyways, yup. In my life and on my mind right now. Here's to hoping a little NN will help with that. I find the beauty of life can really be brought back to mind by the glory of the human body...