For awhile now, I question whether or not I should be on this site or not. I'm thankful that I met joakim44 on here, one whom I've been talking to off here every single day for a year. One day I hope we meet, but that's hard with distance and COVID. But still, here's why I question why I'm on here.
1. I've been on here two years now, and my views literally just reached 14,000+. But then I see other accounts especially of other women with like 25,000+ or even higher and they've been on for less than a year. My low numbers make me think I shouldn't even be here at all. I know I shouldn't care about views, but to me they tell me there's some things I may not be doing good enough.
2. I have dealt with body dysmorphia for years, and it has gotten to the point on here where I have covered my stomach or crop it out whenever I upload them. Seeing all the beautiful women who are perfectly skinny, have perky breasts, and are tall made me delete nearly 200 photos altogether in the past. I don't feel like my photos should be up there with theirs, as I feel I look like s**t compared to them. They are what artists draw or sculpt, and the first type of women men will talk to. I wish I could xxxxxxxx my fingers and look just like them, you know? I'd feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself. I can wear bikinis, short shorts, and tanktops in public.
I honestly feel depressed when I see in the chatroom somebody would have my photo up publicly, then either before or after it was posted a photo of a much better woman is put up. I see that, and in my head I wish they'd take it down because there are women who look far better on here than I do. Whenever I'm topless in the bathroom, I always lift up my boobs and pretend they're small and perky like theirs. When I see their stomachs, I wish mine was flat so I could take better photos. I wish I was overall rich, and hire a proper trainer to help me out and get surgery for a reduction and lift.
3. I feel like a freak, simply because I feel like the only person in here who hasn't had sex. And no, I did not choose to be celibate at all. I'm deemed ugly where I live, and have been bullied mainly by boys in middle and high school. Whenever I get compliments in here, I think they're crazy, need to check their eyesight, saying it to be nice, or they entered a bet. I just don't know how to take a compliment because I never received one in my life. It's like the quote by Charles Bukowski:
"I've had so many knives stuck into me that when someone hands me a flower, I can't quite make out what it is. It takes time."
Those knives are easy to recognize since I'm so used to it, but a flower is a different story.
I wonder how long until I make the big decision to delete my profile on here. I wanted to before, but unfortunately I couldn't as a follower in the past bought me a year's premium, and I didn't want to waste his money he spent on it. It expires in July, so that's a few months from now. I just don't feel good enough to be on here with the beautiful women, and I don't exactly have a healthy mind either. I wonder if I should delete it in a few months once my guy's gift is up, and come back when I'm mentally in a much better place. That might be in a year, a few years, or ten years from now.
Who knows.
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