~Skye~'s Blog - page 2

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes. :O

An Attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed ....

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm ...not reheating it'. And on and on and on..

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because
I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, 'Do you have vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says..
The man replies, 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down.”

“It’s my six year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my kid’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that,” continued Dave, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender

“It’s not,” said Dave. "The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A man must leave for a business trip for a full month. knowing that his wife has a large sexual appetite, he stops at a sex shop to find something to keep her satisfied while he is gone. He explains this to the man at the shop and he said "Ive got just the thing!"

He goes in the back and returns with an old wooden box. He opens it to reveal a beautiful red dildo. "This is a voodoo dildo, you simply say what you want it to do, where you want it to go, and it does."

To demonstrate he says "voodoo dildo, doorknob." the dildo flies out of its box, through the air to the doorknob, and starts fucking the keyhole.

Very impressed, the man buys it and leave it on the bed with a bow and a note for his wife.

After he has left, the wife read the note and was eager to try it out. "Voodoo dildo, my pussy." The dildo flies up, goes under her robe and starts fucking her, she falls onto the bed, writhing in pleasure. After an hour and multiple orgasms, she is beginning to get exhausted, but soon realizes the note didn't mention how to stop it.

In a panic, she grabbed her keys and began driving to the sex shop where her husband found it. Still having mind blowing orgasms, her car was swerving in and out of her lane, and quickly caught he attention of a police officer.

She reluctantly pulled over, and the policeman asked" are you alright maam? What is going on here?" she tried to explain in between gasps and moans of pleasure, "it a.. oh god... voodoo... aaah.... dildo... VOODOO DILDO!" she screamed as she climaxed yet again.

The officer looked at her with a skeptical glance and said, "voodoo dildo my ass!"

:O

Able to breath again. Now it's time to live again.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "fucking" lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it.. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.........

Is it possible to hold your breath for a couple weeks? I sure hope so, this waiting is enough to drive you BONKERS!!!

Time passes by like always, after more than four years, we are just a month from trial. Life comes down to a decision. Heads we win, tails we lose, it won't be as simple as that, but that's what the decision will feel like to us. Above the sky remains clear, you can still smell the vultures but my disgust in them has at leastcleared them away for now. Only One month till the begining of the end, but what end will it be.