clittylicker's Blog - page 3

God says to Moses, "I am that I am I (Exodus 3:14)

Popeye says, " I yam what I yam."

So Popeye is God.

Need further proof?

When Popeye was first created, any unmarried women were assumed to be virgins. Olive Oyl and Popeye had a son named Sweet pea, yet they weren't married. So Popeye's son was born of a virgin
.
Popeye was God. QED.

Cinderella is now 95 years old:
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said. "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied. "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said. "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The fairy godmother replied. "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said.
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says. "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so handsome, the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said. "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most handsome, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you had my nuts cut off"

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:

She asked. "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.

She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....

"Mop and bucket, till 5."

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please.”
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".

"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.." "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!!!!!

A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".

The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".

I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places".

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. ‘Mr Brown,’ she began. ‘Do you know the causes of this terrible disease?’

‘Sure,’ said the farmer. ‘Do you know that the bulls only screw the cows once a year . . . ?’

‘That’s interesting, but what has this got to do with the origins of Mad Cow Disease?’

‘. . . And do you know we milk the cows twice a day?’

‘Mr Brown, what exactly is your point?’

‘Well, lady, if I played with your tits twice a day but only screwed you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad?’

A Chef named Ted comes in early to work one Sunday morning, hungover from a crazy party the night before. In his tired state he begin to talk to all of the Breakfast food he's making for the brunch buffet about to start.
Ted looks over at the toast and asks "how are you feeling this morning toast?" The toasts doesn't answer because it's just toast.
Ted then turns to the sausage and says "Hey sausage, bet you're night was crazy..." The sausage just sits there sizzling.
Finally, with a sense of desperation Ted yells over to the hollandaise sauce "up late last night?"
The hollandaise sauce responds "I'm Egg Sauce Ted"