bighoss2's Blog - page 50

Large warm and empty, so longing to hold.
scars confess, a truth untold
a soft precious hand, made welcome inside
erasing, the want to hide
Fingers intertwined, locked in warm embrace.
sorrows melt, without a trace
The smile of a heart, from a simple touch.
to this man, would mean so much.

It's technically not a weed because it has purpose, but ground cover and deer repellent aside, it's a weed. I love dead nettle. It, like all things, can be easily over looked. It's a rather bland plant with what appears to be dull color. If you look closer, the leaves, though small have amazing texture and contours. They remind me of violets. The blooms are far from bland. Their colors is bright and vibrant. The blooms have lovely unique petals. If they were larger, the would rival lillies and orchids. Only their dimutive size hides their beauty. You never get a second chance to make a first impression, but the opportunity to take a closer look is always there. Occasionally, you may find more than you expect.

With the coming of spring, I see the new colors begin to bloom on the horizon. My mind is swept away in the beautiful rebirth. As is often the case, I start relating dissimilar things and try to draw connections. The rebirth is just beginning here, so many of the trees still are barren and grey. Much like my own existence not so long ago. However, those little blooms here and there will eventually color the grey, and the rebirth will be complete. Quite a lovely thought for the future. Life may be grey, but the future always holds color, if you are patient. As my mind drifted, I thought it would be a lovely subject to try to capture. I don't believe that my words would do it justice, but it sounded like such a lovely vision.

Gazing upon the horizon it occurred to me, that I was mistaken. I am but an observer. I am not the rebirth. A color appeared that often goes unnoticed. Like a bystander looking on, the color green. The horizon is spotted with touches of green. It has been all along. We are the evergreens. Our world gets desolate and bleak, but the truth is we do not change. We remain the same and wait, as the world around us withers and is reborn. We are not without suffering. We may brown, but we shed the brown with fresh new green. We are constantly regrowing anew. Our lives are lived in one cycle while the world around us changes. We do not have to await the worlds rebirth. We all carry on evergreen.

My eyes never close as easily, as when I am rapt in the warm glow of your beauty. I so wish you were here in my arms. God to hold you until I fall off to sleep, I could die happy in that moment. Goodnight beautiful. Since I cannot hold you, I will see you in a dream.

So first unflattering pic should be well unflattering...



Then same view different side (coat was ruining the effect in the 1st)



Seated wedgie...thank god for forgiving fabric...this sucks SOOOO much in blue jeans.



Let the games begin!

Names of the players:

guitartxn, sexybitch76shuby, amancalledpony, bighoss2, nakedkicker, happyhumper69s, Firedancer69, unicornsam, curious48, BuxomXhunter, jayapplepie, sidders73, sugasweety1, Northern Star, chargingram, BBWBrook, rockhard6isback, bound_sighs, mrsdirtycopper, VTCali, ibhunting, 12gaugefan, Tardis, nice bitch, kricket187, milfmuffin, nickey69, arabella_topaz, onib28


**Remember to put the names of the players under your blog.
**Or you can use this link that Rock has set up for easy viewing.

[url]http://bitly.com/bundles/rockhard6isback/3[/url]

Once I controlled dreams. In sleep, my dreams were subject to my whims. If I wanted to live out the horror show, then I could sit back and enjoy the ride. If I chose to not, then the antagonist became a comedic foil in an animated spectacular. However, I never dreamed with my eyes open, which lead to many dark days. Somewhere along the way, it was decided to open up dreams to the waking hours, and remove my control over sleep. What a joy it has been. Watching a world fall apart and being able to escape into hopes for tomorrow. Truly a blessing lord, my conscious mind finds hope and a will to move forward. Thank you for that. As much of a blessing as it is. I must confess. I'm getting tired of waking up in a sweat. These dark images are only illusions. This much I know, but I am spending far to much time in the waking hours over coming them. I am getting awfully tired lord. If you could calm it down just a bit, I would be ever so grateful.

Gazing into forever, is it you that I see.
That wondrous ray of hope, that missing piece of me.
I often spoke of love, of hearts and eternity.
I've yet to find the heart, that belongs here with me.
I can see it in the distance, and I know it to be true.
That the missing part of me, is everything in you.
I'll see you soon my love, I don't know where or when
But I will be waiting here, for our forever to begin.

Ok it is official, the experiment sucks. In 30 years the best I've managed was to quiet the voice to background noise. To invite it out for a chat was stupid fn idea. I'm still me, but damn it is aloud annoying son of a bitch now. Amazing how tides change. One moment you are acknowledging at least some worth, the next it is a full on war to avoid slipping back into a depressed coma. Oh well, ya dance with the devil. Good news. I haven't changed me, the wants and hopes still exist. The bad news, I have this bastard pointing out every impossiblity. Lol. Note to self, keep that son of a bitch locked away.

An experiment. Forgive the tatty structure, but to get to conscious one must write stream of conscious. What if two sides were to debate. The one who stands outside and watches over you, and the one that is you. What if fear and uncertainty was matched against hope and longing. I'd wager the one with the more concise argument would be correct.


Where is the darkness, this corner to hide. Where is the shadow, to mask longings inside. Why does it still beat, this cursed heart. Why not remain, tattered, torn apart. Why must I still breathe in this light. Why can't I find the blessed night. When is it time to hide again. When is there peace at hopes end. The certainty of solitude or to chance a dream. Stop smiling fool let your heart scream. It is who you are. What you do. Stop with the dreams. You know they are not for you. Stop with forever, hearts, kisses, and more. They have no time for you, of that be sure. You can only be what you've always been. You've tried time and again, yet your truth has yet to be seen. Dash it all on rocks by the ocean's shore. Leave it for the tide. Pine for it no more. You can't do this, it is not you. You don't pick yourself up and begin anew. You moan and you weep and you write the pain of it all. The darkroom remember there is where you belong. The 10th pill brings the end. There is no love and hope. Flowers belong on graves not in words. Light is for the living. Fuck it all man are you insane? Have you lost your reason? It doesn't mater who you are, or what you are. The darkness is all that keeps you safe, yet you turn away. Face your fucking bright day. You've lost touch with the darkness that covered you for so many years. They died. No one saw the tears. What does it mater that you still cry after so many years. Pain is not accepted, it is simply forgot. Wipe away the dreams, the happiness, and the heart songs. Find again the darkness where you belong.

I was never of that place. That is how I continue to end up here, searching for the light, risking another tear. I was never meant for the darkness. Can't you see? It is but a staging ground, until I can again find me. A life unloved is a terrible dream. A life not searching is a far worse thing. I am not worthy perhaps of the light, but I am meant to search for it until life turns to night.