alaun's Blog - page 15

If you are Choking on an ice cube,Simply pour a cup of Boiling water down your Throat,Presto the Blockage will instantly remove itself....
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables,get someone else to hold them while you slice....
Avoid arguments about the Toilet Seat...Use the Sink...
For High Blood Pressure Sufferers...Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few seconds thus reducing the pressure,Remember to use a Timer...
A mouse trap placed on top of the alarm clock will stop you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the Snooze button...
If you have a bad Cough,Take a large dose of Laxatives...Then you will be to afraid to Cough...
You only need two tools in Life,WD-40 and Duck Tape..If it should move and doesn't,use the WD-40,If it does move and shouldn't,use the Duck Tape...
Remember..Everybody seems normal until you get to Know them...
If you can't Fix it with a Hammer,,you have an Electrical Problem..

1...WHO you are is what makes you Special.Do not change for Anyone....

2...WHAT lies ahead will always be a Mystery.Do not be Afraid to Explore....

3...When Life pushes you over....You push back Harder....

4...Where there are Choices to Make....Make the one's you Won't Regret...

5...Why things happen will never be Certain....Take them in your Stride and Move Forward....

Next time you use a pair of Rubber Gloves,you are going to Smile when you think of this.....

A Dentist noticed that his next patient,a little old Lady,was nervous,so he decided to tell her a joke as he put on his Rubber Gloves.."Do you know how they make these gloves?"he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.'Well,' he spoofed,There is a big building in Canada with a big tank of latex,and workers of all hand sizes walk up to this tank ,dip there hands into it,let them dry,peel of the the Gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.
She did not crack a smile.'Oh,well.I tried',he thought.
Five minutes later in the middle of a delicate procedure she burst out laughing.'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how Condoms are made!'

(Got to watch those little old ladies!there Minds are always Working).

Hugging,It transfers Energy and gives the Person hugged an Emotional Lift.

You need Four Hugs a day for Survival,Eight for Maintenance and Twelve for Growth.

Scientists say it is a form of Communication because it can say things you don't have Words for.

The nicest thing about a Hug is that you usually can't Give one without getting One Back...GO ON GIVE SOMEONE A HUGGGGG....

Real Friend's help you hide Bodies...Really good Friends help you get rid off the Witnesses.....

Sometimes it is better not to question your Friends...Just help them dump the Body Bag into the River...

Good Friends are hard to Find..Harder to Leave..and Impossible to FORGET....

A True Friend is one of the Nicest Things you can have...and one of the Best things you can Be...

TRUE FRIENDS are the ones who have Nice things to say about you BEHIND your BACK.....

People will judge you by your Actions,not your Intentions.
You may have a HEART of GOLD,but so doe's a Hard Boiled EGG...

The Confusion Created when the Mind must override the Body's Basic desire to Choke the Living Shit out of some Asshole who Desparatley DESERVES IT......

There come's a time in Life when you have to let go of all the pointless Drama and the People who create it and Surround yourself with People who make you Laugh so hard that you Forget the Bad and Focus solely on the Good. After all,Life is to short to be anything but HAPPY.......

If Life is a highway,I wish some would finish with the construction already.I'm tired of all the Detours,Roadblocks and Potholes.....

As the Coffin was being slowly lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral.A voice from inside Screams"I'm not Dead,I'm not Dead,Let me out"The Vicar smiles,leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters"Too Fucking late Pal,the Paperworks already Done.......