there is very little of interest at the moment.... not sure why I'm here... here, or anywhere...
but hey, I"m tired... burning myself out.
a conversation with my Team Lead... Dawn, you need to fill your well... you've let it run dry... I don't know HOW you do it... How you stay so strong and keep on moving and working with all you're dealing with.
I'm coming undone. I want to run away... yes, really really.
My guy's been out of state for 1 1/2 weeks... until late last night, when he finally got home. He's got specialized training and skills... and gets shipped off globally. Fortunately this wasn't one of THOSE trips... but I'm sure I"ll get to experience months without him... and his kids wanting to come here to my home to spend time with me and my daughter... had he not come home before the weekend... that was exactly what was to be... me, going to collect them and enough of their things for just the day and night and part of the next day, returning them Sunday afternoon. Would have been the first... and I know that it will happen some time in the future... mostly, because I love those children as dearly as family.
I'm bleeding too much. I'm showing signs of other things much more serious as well... I'm having to deal with collections companies for old bills I've paid ages ago, and for the medical bills I let build up last year...
and I'm in need of testing that will cost me thousands... Oh, God I do NOT want to end up like my Mother... and unlike with me... leave a disabled daughter with no hope no support and no reason to continue... I can't do that... then again... I can't get the testing done... shrugs. Catch whatever, eh?
I'm tired
I'm tired... but I also know I'm loved and that I love some people on this site and close and far from me so much... so much... I don't want to leave, no yet.
I'm tired...
I must let myself rest and heal. I need the sun and water, and green living things... I need nature and healing.
And I need time. Precious precious time.
I'm okay... regardless of what happens... I'll accept joy and healing, or pain and the worst with a smile and acceptance.
I have no choice but to smile... and push on forward...
but regardless of how much I have highs and lows... this is real. My concerns are real... They have true validity... Do not mock, or tease or tell me something else... You do mot live in my body, or know what I've seen... or how much training I've got in THIS particular medical issue... I've read, and lived and breathed it. because it's IN my genetics.
I'm scared... and this will hopefully be the last time you hear this... about THIs worry...
Good bye, my dears...
I'm going to try to hide away and simply focus on the arms that hold me close and actually seem to want me there...
It's nice to be cared for, wanted and needed... I don't get it... I honestly don't.... I've never had anyone say it and follow through... sure, Alex said it... and he loved me in his way.... but knowing infidelity and other things were happening all while I was enjoying loving him and struggling with our distance... so sure of his love too... No... I don't trust love or emotions.
I'm analytical, practical, realistic and reasonable... I'm not romantic, I'm not the headily passionate creature I once was... I haven't been that way for a couple years now... I wonder if that part is dead, or simply in stasis until someone proves it's worth me awakening to show my truest side... at least, the one that once was.
I'm not sure what to think about a man who says I matter.. and that my needs will be met. Not a one has ever proved that to be true... Not even me.
I need to step away for a while... I've got to reboot this body of mine... I've got to try and heal what I can within my limited funds and time and means... I'm tired...
my well has run dry, because I don't pay attention to my own needs when people around me are coming undone and insisting their needs must be met RIGHT NOW.
I'm empty. I'm so tired...
I'll post one of my nature photos as my profile pic... good night.... I'm not planning on coming back for a bit... but you never know, eh... I keep coming back...
right? | 
