Digoree's Blog - page 39

The roomie's bread hasn't started molding yet. I mean, seriously, it's magical. Those hot dug buns of hers have been sitting on top of the fridge for a month now and out of curiosity I moved the around in the package a bit and I see no mold on them. Maybe they're rotting from the inside. If not then maybe she's not from this world, which is believable.

I slept in late today and am still quite tired, so I'm beginning to think in return for me living here the schools is slowly draining energy from me so the spirits within can stay alive. I'm just lucky there's so many people here for it to drain energy from that it doesn't have to outright kill me to sustain itself. It's plausible you know. It is a big school and it is known for being haunted, I believe the ballroom on the top floor is off limits because Mr. Flagler locked a mistress in there and she died. Rumors, probably, I don't know for sure. Since TAPS is coming to town this month they should probably stop by the school and check it out. I know they have a thing for the lighthouse in St. Augustine, why not the college?

I have to work tonight, but it's a dinky little three and a half hour shift. I keep thinking maybe I should get a second job that might work me more hours, but I'm afraid of losing what study time I have. I've found trying to afford things while also balancing school and bills and what social life I have is very difficult. My roommate did put it cutely: Sleep. Social life. Grades. Pick two and welcome to college.

I can appreciate her sense of humor there. She also found it funny when I mentioned to her how Dummy had told me when I first met him that the guy I'm having an intelligent conversation with and the guy I'm fucking will NEVER be the same guy. Dork.

For the record, I think the squirrel population in their area has dropped dramatically. Not because he's shooting them, no. They're just dying of laughter from his aim.

I tried cooking for the first time last night. Now when I say cooking I don't mean from scratch using a stove. I've done that before and done a wonderful job, thank you very much. I mean using random odds and ins and working from there. I got some Buitonni tortellinis and sauce and tried using a microwave to cook it with. Not nearly as much fun or easy to figure out as a stove. The instructions say to use a stove. I have none. And my microwave is a little...well... it rides the short bus with all the other handicapped kitchen materials.

Instructions on something could say 'cook for 5 minutes until hot then let sit' and my microwave will cook for five minutes...then have to cook for another ten more because it doesn't grasp this whole 'warming up' thing. It's complex, I know.

In any case, I did most of it wrong and tortellini ends up undercooked. Lousy. Rrr. I reheated it today with more sauce but the flavors really didn't mix right. I know what to do better next time though.

I'll sit down and do pictures again...someday. I have new batteries so the camera shouldn't give up on me again.

I'm moody. I hate being moody, but I am. It's mostly because I'm tired, but it still makes me irritable and then I'm snappish and 'I don't give a damn'-ish. I'm not sure what I want either.

Okay, I know what I want but I can't have it. No matter how hard I try and that's the catch, I'm trying and therefore I fail.

Okay, no. The problem is that my standards are too high. I want a boyfriend, I want someone to cuddle with. I hate walking up the stairs and having to delicately squirm around some stupid kissing couple that are standing in front of the door I need to go through.

"Oh, Jonathon, how tragic it is that you can't come into my room with me!"
"Alas, Juliana, I agree. But boys are not allowed in the girls' dorms and vice-versa, and I would so hate to see you ruin your education for the likes of me!"
"You are worth a spoiled education my darling! Please, embrace me!"
"Only here my love!"
*Passionate gross kiss*

Yeah, I'm jealous. Fuck you if you got a problem with that. I grew up on fairy-tale loves while looking at my parents. They went through so much shit and so many useless fucks to find each other and now that they're together it's like some sort of happy ending. Sure there's troubles now and then, that's life, but they're still happy and still very much in love with each other.

I want that. I want to find someone I care for deeply, someone I can hold and kiss before I go back to my dorm, someone I can pester and jest with and curl up with. Why the fuck can't I?

Because my standards are too high. For fuck's sake. And everyone says 'no no! Keep your standards high! Never lower them!' And they're right. The one time I lower my standards I end up with some disgusting, annoying, creepy...thing who in all cases was sweet, very sweet, but I was miserable with. So I can't lower my standards but it seems that when I don't, I can't find anyone. People keep telling me: "Well. Maybe you intimidate them. You're fairly attractive, you're intelligent and you're constantly in your books. Maybe they're intimidated by you."

For fucks sake, what's that intimidating? I don't think I have a sign on me that says 'fuck all men, come near me and I rip off your penis!' And at this conservative school girls are just too shy to approach another girl for fear of rejection and then ridicule.

I don't want to wait until I'm thirty for a boyfriend. I want one now. I mean, eighteen years of life and I've had two boyfriends, one long distance for three years and the other a total goober? That doesn't count for much I don't think. I mean, what's so wrong with me? Is it because I want it so badly that I'm sending off all the wrong vibes? Why is it that every blond skinny little nitwit has packs of guys around her that are all enchanted because she-- oh my gosh!-- knows how to flick her hair and looks good in tiny shorts, yet I can't even get a guy to glance my way when I discus and summarize Jeungian psychoanalytic theories? What? Do you just want me to sit there and giggle like a dumbass and then then coo 'I like cheery lip gloss! Teehee!'

Fucking ridiculous. Fucking infuriating.

Fuck. *Kicks a rock at her roommate for good measures*

Okay, so I'm not even going to say how long this took me because I've been doing it off and on since I started college. But it's just a cute picture I've been doing based on that Demon Comic my best friend and I did. In the comic there's a few love interests but I think one of the most fun is Uphir and Beelzebub. Beelzebub is the prince(ss) of Hell while Uphir is but a lowly medic, in either case Uphir has a thing for his Captain, and she eventually develops a thing for him too.

A lot. Recently in my mind it's been the issue of how comfortable I am just staying in the dorm. I don't know why this is the case, but it is. I've always been introverted. I don't care for going out every night, as most of you have gathered by now, and surprisingly that's gotten me a few strange looks at this school, especially from the roomie who seems baffled that I'm frequently in here curled up with a text book or a novel.

Fact is, I'm just happier in here. I'm a happier person when I'm reading or writing or when I'm keeping myself busy, but I don't find any real peace in going out with friends. That's not to say I don't enjoy it, I know a few girls and if they ever invite me to hang out I usually jump on it. I'm recognizing girls in the hallway and even though none of us know each others' names we usually stop and have a brief conversation. I know another girl, Mel, who I work with. She's very nice and we occasionally have dinner together. And that's generally enough for me.

So I worried maybe I was messing up. Because I'm just so happy being in here by myself. If I get restless I walk around outside or downtown or I sit in the rotunda and read. But I kept thinking, gee, once I graduate, what happens if I look back and say 'wow, I really should have done this or that.'

Why does fulfillment have to come from going out and partying though? Why do I have to go out and get drunk? Why do I have to be up until the morning? Why do my happiest memories at college have to include a group of people? It's true I do have happy memories of a group (my sign language friends and I all hanging out at one of the girl's apartments, eating tacos and watching House). But my happy memories also include me becoming more involved in NN and curling up in bed to chat with some of them online. Or me posing in the dorm and trying some new things.

I don't think I'm crazy and I don't think it's wrong. I'm happy in here and I wish this nagging from society would stop. What if I'm just not a party person? Why did I go to college if I'm just going to push social life before academics? That's not what I came here for. I came here to get a good education and because I love the area, because I thought the school was beautiful. Occasionally I almost wish I hadn't been accepted, because I've become disillusioned here. It's not as beautiful as it was in my dreams, especially now that I've gotten to know it personally.

That's not to say it's a bad school. No. It's very good. Good people, kind people (generally), friendly and helpful faculty and staff. But things were far more romantic before I was accepted, before I actually got here and found myself a shitty roommate and discovered these strange pushings to go out and do something.

Then I think, gee, will this be how the rest of my life goes? Will I just stay inside and enjoy the atmosphere I've created for myself. Or will I go out at 20-25 and party, because that's what I'm supposed to do? What if I don't want to?

I'm really confused. I'm scared I'm going to wake up and be so much older one day and realize there was so much I did want to do and I never did simply because I was content to focus on my studies or focus on writing or wandering off into another book. And worse, what if I DON'T regret it? What if I wake up, realize 'oh shit I should have done that!' and then think, 'oh well.' Does this make me crazy?

I know what I want from life. I want my tea-shop and I want to publish books and I want to fall in love one day and have someone by my side. I keep thinking that I should just go day by day. What's after this though? When I graduate before the rest of the other people who are my age because I already got my Associates down and out of my way, what do I do next? Do I go to graduate school? Get my Masters? I don't think I want my Masters, but I realize it's sort of being expected of me somewhere down the road.

I just want a tea-shop, published books and a sweetheart.

Psychology degree for the writing. How does me having to go out and force myself into uncomfortable situations play into the future I want? I don't think it does, I don't think it should. It's good to make friends, I'm making a few, but I've never been THE most popular girl and I don't think I care to be, even at this college.

I think I'm going in lots of circles.

I bought Hannibal Rising today. Good movie =) Not as good as the book of course, but good.

I'm really going to miss having this room to myself. It was incredibly peaceful. I didn't have the usual annoyances popping up, like walking into the room and finding the roomie STILL asleep, even at 12 in the afternoon, and therefore I STILL have to tip-toe through the bedroom. I didn't walk in and find all the doors wide open, because apparently she has an affinity toward closing doors. I didn't have to hear her phone going off, I actually slept through the whole night without being woken up.

I'm goanna miss it so much. =( This has only certified that I will be getting an apartment next year. Being on my own was nice and very rarely creepy, like I thought it would be. I look forward to having my own place with a kitchen and stove so I can cook what I want instead of having to go to the dining hall and eat whatever's out.

I just hope next semester I can find someone to room with that doesn't annoy the fuck out of me. The catch is that I just don't really like to talk once I'm in my dorm. I want to rest, get online, chat in NN maybe, but on the whole, I don't really want to sit up and go 'omg!' over the day. I only have a bit longer to go.

The weeks are really starting to fly by and I'm so thankful for that. I enjoy school and learning but I'm actually eager to get out and there and see what I can do on my own. I want to start my tea shop and I want my own little place. I want to come home and not have my roommate sitting there looking at me like 'uhm, aren't you going to go out tonight?' because no I'm not.

I don't party, and I've noticed that apparently very strange around here. But I find I'm much happier at night curling up with something warm to drink and writing. I mean, sure the occasional wild time is all right, I think Krik's party is going to be a blast and I'm totally looking forward to it, celebrating her birthday and getting drunk with her. But, I don't want to make partying a regular basis, not like someone I'm rooming with who goes out and parties until 3 in the morning every night.

In any case. Looking forward to my own, roomie-less apartment. =)

As if things couldn't get BETTER, my roomie's left for the weekend! Oh this will be a GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL three days!

Skinny jeans at an affordable price! I am so excited! I can't wait to find a top to wear them with. This, of course, means more shopping! =D

I was very happy this morning, despite the fact I woke up to see my roommate was still alive. My school is built in a way that the air outside greatly effects the air inside. There's the rotunda, which is a massive circular area that goes up about five stories. It's usually INCREDIBLY warm and stuffy in the rotunda, simply because it doesn't get any air conditions, the front doors of the school are kept open most of the day for tourists to come see, and there's the back doors that lead to the breeze-way, which is where the students go to get to their classes.

In any case, since the breezeway doors are left open and the front doors are left open, warm air is constantly circulating through the rotunda. Despite it's beauty it's one of my least favorite places to be.

This morning was different though. I exit the dorms into the rotunda and I SMELL something's different. Then I realize it's not super warm in there and something SMELLS good and it was amazing. A wonderful, crispy, clean scent. I walk downstairs and down more stairs to the breezeway and the smell gets better and as I walk outside it's coolish and I realize: it's fall. It was AMAZING.

I ran into friends of mine and we started giggling and rambling stupidly about it. It's sad that it'll probably warm up again, but right now it's so incredibly nice out and I'm very excited. My roomie told me that the school doesn't really believe in heating, so even in winter our room will still be freezing and moreso. I figure, well... I'm getting used to it.

There's something nice about curling up in a sweater and fuzzy socks (in case anyone's wondering what I want for my birthday *cough cough*) and drinking hot coco.

Speaking of which, if anyone wants some really good hot coco, Land of Lakes satisfies and has plenty of flavors. But if you want orgasmic hot chocolate? Go to Okaloosa Walton College in Niceville Florida. The cafeteria there serves the BEST hot coco. I miss it greatly.

Outside that everything's okay. I just took my Psychology of Personality test and I think I did fairly well. I'm not going to give a definite answer because I know my luck, but I feel like I knew most of the information. I'm not looking forward to my Substance Abuse class today, but we'll see what happens.

I also got a handwritten letter from my dad, which was really exciting. It was good to sit in the breezeway and just see what was going on, despite the fact snail mail took forever, so when he's saying 'we're waiting for you mom's motorcycle to come in' I know they've already received it and taken it home.

I'm not all that thrilled to see that dad got one as well, simply because I worry about him being on it. I remember when we were all learning during the training course and I would panic whenever I saw it starting to stutter under him. I just don't want him to get hurt. =/

Right now I'm just waiting for things to hurry up and move along. I know after Kirk's party there's going to be a rush of things. Because after her birthday is the parents weekend where mom and dad will visit me, a week or two passes, then there's my birthday, then thanksgiving, then a week or two again and finals.

Then I get to go home. I'm actually a little disappointed that we don't completely unpack and go, because I saw it as a very good reason to change roomies easily. I still plan to, it's just going to be a bigger hassle. On the bright side, I don't have to lug around as much junk and dad doesn't have to make any special trips.

I'm just ready for this semester to be over and the next to start. I have some good classes planned for that one...I think.

This dorm room was an apartment complex, to which only I had the key. And I wish I could set a curfew and say 'if you're not in by at least 1 in the morning I'm locking the door and you can sleep in the hall tonight.'

But I can't.

So I'll endure getting my sleep interrupted every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday by having her barge into the room at four in the morning and commence to do her nightly activities before bed.

Because after all, this is her room too and she's allowed to come in at night whenever she wants. So. For any of you that might be wondering why I'm tired all the time now, there are a few reasons.

On the bright side I passed three of my quizes in my comp class, have an American Sign Language test today, three psychology tests in this week and I officially have a grudge against Publix. I'm afraid I just don't see the logic behind me having to mop (not use one of those giant washes that you push around real fast, oh no), MOP (with a mop bucket and a nasty mop broom), MOP the entire store, after the giant washers have already gone through.

My tired ass questions so politely to one of my new bosses:

"Uhm, what's the logic?"

"You follow behind them and dry the floor. You wet the mop, run it behind them and then repeat."

"Wait wait wait *laughing* You're joking right? I'm going to DRY the floor with a WET mop?"

"This isn't a joke. *Serious*"

I think it's the first time in the four years I've worked for that company I ever seriously thought: That's not my job.
On the fun side I had another unhappy girl to do it with and I've made a very good friend that also, conveniently goes to school with me AND is in my Sign Language class.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive =/

P.S. Has anyone else heard about DummyRacer's new gun. AHAHAHAHHAHAHA! He couldn't hit a paralyzed squirrel.

I look really good when I do the Cha Cha.