I originally logged in today to blog... and clearly I'm going through with it but I'm also changing my plan a little. I was going to put up a long blog about how I asked a guy out and got rejected and was really disappointed and hurt by it. But I don't want any responses like "his loss" or "you're so X you could have anyone" or anything like that. Bottom line is I learned some things- hurray!- and that's what I've decided to blog about instead.
Lesson 1- I dunno if I've mentioned this to many people but in the past I have suffered severely from (CPPS) Chronic People Pleasing Syndrome (disclaimer, this is not a real disease- I am making shit up for a bit of humour and to get my point across in a light way!). Anyways, this has always made me fear rejection. Seek approval and validation and avoid rejection- that was how I lived my life. Unfortunately that leads to a lot of regret which brings about its own kind of pain. So I decided to gently encourage myself to embrace, and almost seek out rejection, or at least the thought of it. I.e. operation put yourself in situations where the threat of rejection is very real, girl, had begun. I really did want him to say yes, but at least by saying no he inadvertently is assisting me in getting over my fear of rejection. Yay.
Lesson 2- Don't be a motherfucking hypocrite, Jedi. I was frustrated with his response because he went on to say that he "loves spending time with [me]" and "loves [all of the amazing things that I am: open minded, intelligent, nerdy etc]". Great! Why wouldn't that make him want to date me? Probably that he is not romantically attracted to fat people. It sucks. And almost makes me not even want to be friends with him. BUT. That might not be the case and even if it is, he is entitled to make those decisions for himself. He is my friend and I value him as my friend. So, I shouldn't be angry that my friend had the right to turn somebody (sadly, me) down, whatever his reasoning. After all, I have turned men down.
Lesson 3- It's very empowering to make the first move and to be okay with being turned down. I have asked out other men before but I either knew that they were interested or it was a complete stranger on a dating site and I wasn't as invested as I was with this friend so it didn't feel as "bold", yaknow? So what I saying is that this felt good (when I came to terms with it at least). I felt like a fearless, badass, bitch and I liked it. And then I wrote about it in my journal and got some insight- woohoo, self-awareness.
So anyway, in case anyone was wondering, I got that job that I mentioned last time. I'm not sure if I actually like the job but I like the discount on clothes that actually fit me
. Yesterday was when he finally responded to me asking him out (only took him like 3 days to figure out what to say...) and it was my first non-training shift at my new job. The shift was a little stressful and I was already feeling a little down so I decided to buy a laser pointer for my cats. Best fucking decision I have made in a long time. Which leads me to ...
Lesson 4- It's okay to feel shitty and do something nice for yourself (like play with your cats instead of doing homework).
Okay, now that I have rambled on for a bit it's time for me to log back out. I have been convinced by a video of a gorgeous woman dancing that I need a dance break, not a perv break
. Later, folks!